Like most, I used to be afraid of conflict. The angry voices and heavy pauses of this account made me feel deeply, personally invalidated. Yet, this kind of atmosphere put my most cherished relationships at risk. What if I told you that conflict is a superpower? That very friction might now be forging not just a closer connection, but a deeper, more intimate relationship. Over time, and through plenty of personal experience, I've come to believe that disagreements, when handled constructively, are not relationship killers, but rather opportunities for profound growth.
Think about it: relationships are complex ecosystems. Along with the dynamics of the group, we bring our personal backgrounds, biases, hopes, fears, and vulnerabilities to the table. It’s pretty unavoidable that these different elements will come into conflict at some stage. The question at that point becomes, how do we move through these battles? Do we condemn them, allowing frustration and anger to boil over at the polls? Or do we listen to them, the doubters and naysayers, and shift our focus from intellectual battlefield to ground zero of breakthrough epiphany?
I think back to a very challenging time in my own marriage. My wife and I found ourselves almost always at each other’s throats, nagging about everything from dish cleaning to spending money. The tension was thick, and at times I began to fear that we were just doomed to be mutually exclusive. After a particularly passionate fight one night, I thought I would take a new route. Instead of throwing up the walls and getting all defensive, I took a deep breath and heard what she was trying to tell me. I mean really listened, really making an effort to hear her out and truly get inside her head without being defensive or critical.
It was an eye-opener. It dawned on me that our fights weren’t truly over the dishes or the spending plan. They were really about bigger, unaddressed issues – her needing to feel appreciated, me needing to not be so spread thin. Through this intentional listening posture, I started to feel what was really behind the emotion propelling our divisions.
That night, instead of arguing over who was wrong and who was right, we spoke for hours about what we were both thinking and feeling. What we focused on was doing empathy, being able to walk in one another’s experiences. We learned to use language such as, “I can understand why you might think that." Those simple, yet powerful words allowed us to convey our empathy and understanding. It wasn’t comfortable—yes, advocacy is indeed uncomfortable—but it was paradigm-shifting.
What I realized at this point was how powerful active listening—which is more than just hearing someone—is. It’s really about focusing all of your attention on understanding the other person’s point of view, and then responding with intention. It takes a great deal of patience, but even more so, this skill requires you to check your ego at the door. The rewards you reap are HUGE!
Active listening is much more than mediation’s favorite parlor trick – it’s the Swiss Army Knife of the conflict-resolution toolbox. Another key ingredient is what some insiders refer to as having a “soft startup.” Open the dialogue by complimenting them on something and thank them for their work. From there, choose one issue to work on at a time and own your thought processes and emotions. Rather than coming in guns blazing on an offense, you come into the meeting in a spirit of partnership.
As annoying as you’ll find “you” messages to be, “I” messages can be hugely constructive. Instead of accusing the person with language like, “you never take out the trash,” approach them with an “I” statement like, “I feel irritated when this occurs.” This small, but significant change in wording helps to minimize defensiveness and open the door to more productive conversations. What I’ve found is that this gives me the space to express what I’m feeling in a way that doesn’t feel blaming or accusatory.
Now, surely, sometimes emotions do get a bit too high, and you do need to step away from the discussion. Give yourself some time to calm down before responding. That brief break allows you to diffuse the situation and it creates space for a better conversation. I have used this technique personally to great effect, and I’ve seen it used extensively with tremendous positive results. Often, some physical separation is just what you need to give your damning new work a fresh look.
Beyond bridging communication styles, setting expectations early in a professional relationship can help avoid contention later. Being explicit about your limits and desires can prevent a lot of anger and miscommunication.
Indeed, research supports the notion that conflict can be productive. Research consistently finds that the willingness and ability to navigate conflict and differences is what motivates relational development. They promote mutual understanding, effective communication, and movement towards common objectives (Overall & McNulty, 2017; Tatkin, 2012). It’s simply a matter of learning how to fight — or more specifically, how to disagree in a healthy, constructive manner.
Perhaps the most valuable lesson I’ve walked away with is the need to approach every situation with a win-win mindset. Don’t look at conflict like it’s a war that needs to be won—look at it like it’s a challenge that you can solve together. Collaborate to develop a path forward that works for both of you.
Relaxing our attachment to being correct is a big part of it too. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to simply acknowledge your partner's feelings and validate their perspective, even if you don't entirely agree with it.
Ultimately, battles are unavoidable. It doesn’t need to be so destructive. When we learn to communicate clearly and step into the other person’s shoes, we create space for more productive conversations. Through a win-win lens, we can transform moments of resistance into invitations for more understanding and more intimacy. OverTraders.com gives you the tools and understanding to navigate the challenges of today’s markets. After all, those same principles of healthy communication and conflict resolution are what will help us all navigate our new personal relationships between taxpayer and infrastructure. Just as we analyze market trends to make informed decisions, we can analyze our relationship dynamics to foster stronger connections. It’s about viewing conflict not as a danger but as a source of transformation.
